I haven’t been on a real date in five years.

I’m talking an authentic date. In case we’ve all forgotten, an authentic date would include eye contact being made as the person invites me out with them. They’ve taken care of the details, the what, and the where, and once we’ve settled on a when, without even having to ask, they let me know they’re picking me up.

A “group hang”, or a casual run-in with the person I’ve had my eye on, doesn’t count as a date. Neither does a coffee or drink after heavy-handed hints I’ve dropped that we should get together. None of these scenarios pass the bar.

A date like the one above also relies heavily on the feeling of anticipation. If I am in the position to be “asked out” by a person then that probably means I have been interacting with them on some level for a period of time. A connection has been made and a flirtation has ensued. Over the course of time a game of chase is played that ultimately ends in a sincere invitation; one that involves getting to know one another in a more intimate way than a “group hang” could ever provide.

Nothing compares to a first date. For me,  it comes with a specific set of emotions. It stirs the butterflies in my stomach and in its most basic form, it’s fun. It’s fun to meet someone new and it’s fun to learn about their experiences and how those experiences shape their views of the world. It also can be validating, as my own viewpoints and experiences are metabolized by the person sitting opposite of me. It’s a chance to gain new ways of approaching the world. I can uncover new books to read, new genres of music to listen to, new places to travel to, and at the very least, sharpen my bantering skills; all from having a conversation with someone.

So now this begs the question: if I like going on a date so much, why is it that I haven’t been on one in half-a-decade? Honestly, there are a multitude of reasons; or at least that’s what I tell myself and others. Here they go: ”There aren’t many single guys in this area;” “I’m, like, really focused on my career;” “I’m too busy with friends;” and “I’m so tired.” Now, let’s talk about why I’m not really going on a date: “I’m afraid of vulnerability;” “I’m currently living with my mom;” “my resting facial position makes me seem very unapproachable;” and, did I mention?...“I’m tired.”

While I do lean on these reasons, I also take issue with the means by which we’re dating today, which relies primarily on Dating apps. These have become the norm and I charge, “Tinder” as the number one culprit.

Granted, I’m not a qualified researcher in this field. The time I have spent dating through this app is minimal. I had a two-month stint of “swiping left and right” on people (in Tinder speak, “swiping left” means saying “no” to a person’s profile, where “swiping right” means you want to connect with them). I was mainly in it for the comedic fodder provided by reading people’s profiles and the ridiculous photos they paired with it.

For example, one profile I came across featured the guy hugging a woman whose face he had blacked out, making it clear that it was an old photograph from a past relationship. He couldn’t actually be bothered to find a different photograph, but he did have time to Photoshop a black circle over his past love’s face.

Other experiences I’ve garnered have been through the lens of a friend, or rather several, actually making the effort with this app. Their field notes are interesting and worth noting. A common pet peeve that seems to surface are the details these prospective dates share on their profiles. An automatic left swipe is prompted by the person’s profile stating “I like to have fun!”  As my friend actively swipes left, she’s also muttering under her breath, “yeah, who doesn’t like to have fun?….Next!” Similarly, if someone describes their professional life as “self-employed and LOVING it,” this calls into question whether they actually have a job.   And then there are people who aren’t willing to admit why they’re on these dating apps: “just looking for friendship and like-minded souls who share similar passions in this crazy journey in life.” Really? Even if this is the truth, they’re probably going to get a left swipe for using the words “passion” and “journey.”

A personal favorite was this profile description, which stated, “I'm currently going through a painful divorce with Satan. lol. I love my two daughters and do what's best for them. Don't worry, my wife (soon ex-wife) won't be in the picture much longer. I like skiing and working out. I'm a really nice guy.” Is this guy serious? What was he thinking? The red flags are everywhere in this profile, starting with the fact that he publicly calls his soon-to-be ex-wife “Satan,” and that while she will soon be an ex, he is still married. I also don’t want to overlook the fact that he is a self proclaimed “nice guy.” Actual nice guys, never feel the need to say that.

I have to apologize if this sounds depressing or judgmental. I can see how this diatribe could come off in those ways and I hope this article is read with a bit of brevity and light. While the online dating world can be filled with a lot of vacant space and can truly be window shopping for a date, I realize an oasis can also pop up every now and then. While currently my friends and I are batting a zero average for Tinder dates that have worked out, we have met interesting people along the way.

For me personally, I’ve come to the conclusion that online dating just doesn’t work for me right now. I don’t have enough patience for it and I think I’m too old-fashioned for it even at the age of 29. I do have to give credit to my friends who do put forth the effort on dating apps though. They filter through profiles trying to find compatibility; they engage in online conversations that eventually work their way to phone numbers being exchanged, and an actual date being set. After regaling me with the latest date my friend had been on, I let him know how much I admired his tenacity at meeting new people and giving them a chance. He countered with the question of how else does one date in the valley, where resources are limited? He had managed to corner me in my usual Friday night position, which includes pajamas by 7pm and sitting in front of my TV as I scroll through instagram. The only answer I could give him was a sarcastic one and it’s that I expect someone to walk right up to my front door, find me in my current state and ask me out.

So yes, I haven’t been on a real date in five years. But I figure I am going to keep doing what I like to do. While that does include pajamas by 7pm, it also includes hiking, skiing, reading, weight lifting, searching for the best coffee around and the prize-winning tequila cocktail in town. I am confident that I will meet someone who also likes to do those things too. From there, they’ll look me in the eye, we’ll play that chasing game, and a date will materialize that stirs those old-fashioned butterflies in my stomach.

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